Drowning in news and unable to breathe, we tried to follow “The Bachelor,” only to find out that the new bachelor smashed his face open on multiple cocktail glasses this week while playing golf. Meanwhile, the woman who claimed that meth found inside her vagina belonged to someone else finally admitted that the meth was, as everyone suspected, hers. Speaking of meth, Trump’s appearance and behavior–specifically, dilated pupils and paranoid psychosis–indicate that he may be addicted to Sudafed.

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We’ve decided to take a step back and produce “Impeachment: the Movie,” featuring a phalanx of Republican insaniacs and the most eclectic ensemble cast of all time. While the Republicans spew conspiracy theories, the Democrats are looking to the future with real policy proposals. For example, Joe Biden is pitching a tax credit that will benefit 750 million American women. Elsewhere, a fitness instructor was sentenced to five years in prison for harassing bodybuilders on Instagram.

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We delve into the Trump-Zalensky phone call, troubles at the We Company and the fraud that is ComScore. A New Jersey couple goes under the knife to correct their RBF; Mark Ronson reveals his sexual orientation; Gucci predicts people will be wearing straitjackets next summer; and Irish Rail has an unusual explanation for their train delays involving a bird. Finally, we have a boots-on-the-ground update from the Isle of Rockall, Britain’s final act of imperial expansion.

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This week, we learned that Joe Biden’s idea of a sick burn is to call someone “Esther,” as in Esther Williams, the late swimming star of the silver screen, whose heyday was in the 1950s. In Australia, a fire at a farm caused a massive bull semen explosion. The New York Times broke a bombshell story about Brett Kavanaugh, but completely botched the rollout, yet again. Disgraced White House press secretary Sean Spicer made his debut on “Dancing With the Stars” in a pirate shirt on the same day that Netflix announced a deal to stream the “Seinfeld” library. Coincidence? We think not. A New Zealand man brought an emotional support clown to his layoff meeting. And a new Natalie Portman film about the astronaut who drove 900 miles wearing adult diapers so she wouldn’t have to stop to pee premiered at the Toronto Film Festival, and it was sadly missing the diapers. Thanks for all the feedback. We here for you.

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National Security Adviser John Bolton became the latest Trump Administration official to be fired via Twitter–or did he resign? The new iPhone is finally here and it’s wreaking havoc on those struggling with a rare condition called trypophobia. There's a new biopic about Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. A high-school swimmer won the 100-meter race, only to be disqualified because she had a wedgie. And a distinguished judge died, and her obituary headline focused on that time she pooped in a courtroom trash can.

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As hurricane Dorian heads to the Carolinas–not Alabama–the British government is spiraling out of control and a 73-year-old Irish folk singer is poised to invade a remote British island which is actually a rock. Dairy Queen denied that its hamburgers contain human meat, raising questions about what other types of meat are not in the burgers. There's a new species outside of Washington, DC, and a snake terrorizing people in the Outer Banks is actually a lizard with a detachable tail.

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We returned from our summer vacations to find a nation crawling with bedbugs and lusting over a chicken sandwich. Some people were losing their minds over a recipe for a chicken quesadilla fried deep dish pizza. An Australian chef introduced the world to fish turducken. I went to a restaurant in Germany featuring hand soap that was inspired by a sausage. Brian went to a restaurant in New York that didn’t serve soup or liver, owing to construction.

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It’s the dog days of summer, but for me and Brian, it’s just silly season. In this politics-free episode (recorded prior to our 2-week summer vacation), we discuss how a woman hid meth in her vagina and a man hid cocaine in his toupee. Another woman got an octopus stuck on her face and then waited two days before going to the hospital. Men in England are paying big bucks to get wedgies in public and to clean the home of a 68-year-old dominatrix. People in Hollywood are taking out Disgrace Insurance to protect themselves from public shaming.

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It’s the dog days of summer, and we’ve had enough of everything: the “hard seltzer,” paid internships that require abstaining from “frosé,” tasting bacon all day and watching all 20 Marvel movies consecutively. Also on the docket: we explain why everyone is talking about “30-50 feral hogs” as if they are the new generously buttered noodles. Equinox and SoulCycle are cancelled. We interview friend of the pod Ellen Gamerman about her late pet rats.

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We’re back amid one of the worst weeks on record, when Marianne Williamson stole the show at the Democratic Debates; Jeffrey Epstein planned to freeze his penis and repopulate the earth in his own image (not necessarily in that order); a rogue clown may or may not have terrorized a cruise ship; Grifter-turned-Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reared his head at a performance art gala in the Hamptons; following a puppy-bite incident, Google Maps failed Rachel on the way to the E.R.

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This week, we clear up and shut down topics like the FaceApp, created by a Russian company that is harvesting our biometrics a year before a presidential election. (Everything’s fine.) Also on the docket: Millennial women are being haunted on Instagram by a Danny DeVito crop top; a reporter caused a stir at Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s cryptocurrency press conference by wearing Google Glass; and millions of people are getting ready to storm Area 51 by using an anime-inspired jogging technique.

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