Drowning in news and unable to breathe, we tried to follow “The Bachelor,” only to find out that the new bachelor smashed his face open on multiple cocktail glasses this week while playing golf. Meanwhile, the woman who claimed that meth found inside her vagina belonged to someone else finally admitted that the meth was, as everyone suspected, hers. Speaking of meth, Trump’s appearance and behavior–specifically, dilated pupils and paranoid psychosis–indicate that he may be addicted to Sudafed.