The Fourth of July weekend is turning out to be terrible. First we learned that Betsy Ross was not so much a patriotic seamstress as she was a racist plagiarist. And now, We the People, are going to be left footing the bill for an obscene MAGA rally, complete with the finest Sherman tanks your 1957 dollars can buy. And we will not be making PBS.org’s recipe for a red white and blue potato salad, which combines an unholy trinity of ingredients–blueberries, onions and mayonnaise. (Vomit.)

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It’s been a terrible week, but only one of us was paying attention. Rachel hasn’t slept since she decided to adopt a St. Berdoodle puppy on Sunday–unfortunately one day too late to enter the Miss Dog Mom USA pageant in Brooklyn. Meanwhile, Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife Becky are embroiled in a possible love triangle with a Miami pool boy; Lenny Dykstra spent nine hours in a New Jersey dumpster looking for his teeth; and an Alabama man sicced a meth-addicted attack squirrel on the police.

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After recovering from a fugue state, we shut down everything this week from Chernobyl to Twizzlers. Our finest living patron of the arts, Seth Fradkoff, shares a distressing story about getting kicked out of “Tootsie: The Musical” on Broadway for taking a stand against loud snacks. Also on the docket: Manhattan prosecutor-turned-novelist Linda Fairstein attempted to un-cancel herself via op-ed; a British woman revealed that she paid her way through college by naming nearly 700,000 Chinese babies; another woman in Cincinnati quit her job to eat crab legs on YouTube; and comedian/actress/writer Jenny Slate agreed to deliver a highly exclusive commencement address in Massachusetts.

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For our second-ever transatlantic broadcast, Brian was holed up in a bar in the north of England and Rachel was home in New York City—and, like Robert Mueller, if we had confidence that this week was not an abomination, we would have said so. To that end, we shut down Mueller’s cryptically worded press conference, anarchy on Mt. Everest, and the government official who compared Jews to carbon dioxide.

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Our attempts to warg our troubles away were interrupted by an impromptu Donald Trump speech, in which the Victim-In-Chief announced that he was going on strike until the Democrats cease all of their investigations into his rampant misconduct. To which we say, Nope! Meanwhile, Mayor Bill de Blasio entered the Democratic 2020 field with a cringeworthy (and possibly illegal) video shot inside his taxpayer-funded luxury SUV.

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It’s been one of the most devastating weeks on record, as misogynist troglodytes in statehouses across the country mount an assault on women’s constitutional rights. But we’re back to fight another day and shut down misguided attempts to raise awareness, such as the #sexstrike endorsed by TV’s Alyssa Milano. Also on the docket: a used-car heiress staged a fake wedding because her hairstylist husband wouldn’t sign a prenup; while YouTube makeup artists Tati Westbrook and James Charles end their friendship over gummy vitamins.

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Despite the Uber/Lyft strike and a Louis Vuitton fashion show taking over JFK Airport, we finally made it to San Francisco to perform live at Betabrand’s fabulous Podcast Theatre! On the docket, Donald Trump’s tax returns, a scandal at the Kentucky Derby, involving horses, and at the London Marathon, involving nurses. Also: Sonic the Hedgehog's unrealistic teeth caused a stir on the Internet, Burger King unleashed unhappy meals on an already unhappy public and so much more.

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Barbara Corcoran threw herself a birthday funeral, a Belgian water company created dinnerware to shame people who attempt to Instagram their food, a Taiwanese company is selling bib hammocks for Instagram aversion therapy, and people are renting parking spots in San Francisco because they can’t afford coworking spaces. Also: the backstory on Russian spy whales, military dolphins and drug dealer parrots; and Spotify playlists that go too far.

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